Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that positive psychology is useless.
In fact, my recent research on the subject reveals lots of interesting and useful constructs that can vastly improve personal and work conditions. I love watching TED talks about it as much as the next optimistic person. And my scientific training has led me to run several personal experiments over the years to prove/disprove positive psychology theory. My preliminary conclusion? A positive strength-based outlook on life hasn’t failed me yet, in improving my life or those of others. And I intend to stick with the program until I discover otherwise.
Where I think the positive psychology literature falls short, though, is when the rubber of the theories hits the road of real life. I’ve just started reading ‘The No Asshole Rule’, a book that promises to confront and eliminate the issue of social friction among corporate colleagues. (Can’t wait to see where it goes!) A few pages in, and I’ve realized a couple of important things about the language of positive psychology:
- Positivism works best when your audience is inherently positive. I often hear labels like ‘Polyanna’, ‘wishful thinking’, ‘utopian’ associated with positive psychology and similar concepts. Most of us live in a world filled with assholes; ego-centric people who put their needs first each and every time, or who feed their insecurities by putting you down. Our best efforts to ‘think positive’ amidst a sea of de-energizing forces is tough. No wonder we want to throw in the towel before we even start. I mean, why bother, really?
- Many positive people tend to be peace-loving and would rather avoid conflict where they can or, in the extreme, may ignore pitfalls and warning signs because they want to believe the best in others. A healthy dose of realism is important. The world is made up of yin and yang, light and dark. The sooner positive folks get that, the more we can see each other for who we really are (optimists, realists, pessimists, someone having a healthy dispute with you etc) and interact more empathically. As a (learned or natural) optimist, you wouldn’t want a pessimist consistently rubbing your face in their way of thinking, would you?
- Positive psychology practitioners can sometimes come across as people who are in on a ‘secret’ or have ‘arrived’ at a nirvanic state that they can’t wait to share with the rest of the world because it’s brought them so much joy. Even worse, they can seem so blissful that you think they’re either 1) on something or 2) delusional. And if you’ve had a very bad day or are genuinely depressed about a major life event, you probably need someone to acknowledge what you’re feeling, or some time to feel the feeling before you’re ready to move on or to begin to look on the bright side of life. Having a person say ‘cheer up, it can’t be that bad’ at this time is incredibly unhelpful.
- Many effects of positive psychology e.g. leading a life of enjoyment, engagement or affiliation can only truly happen after long periods of self-reflection, resolution of past pain/disappointments and discovery/recognition of one’s natural strengths and skills. It’s hard, painful and lifelong work. And for some of us, opening that Pandora’s box can be way too overwhelming or downright terrifying. Better to let sleeping demons lie. After all, our current life ain’t so bad, right? And if it is bad, well then that gives us something to moan about at the dinner table…
All I’m saying is that positive psychology has some wonderful tools. When introduced at the right time, to people who are ready to do the work it takes to reap its benefits, it can produce amazing results.
Be sensitive to your audience. Acknowledge their current state and know that their worldview is probably very different to yours. If you’ve done the self-work and are operating from an authentically joyous and fulfilling place, even the most hardened pessimist in your social circle will notice it without your saying so. And if the time is right, their curiosity may get the better of them and they’ll ask, ‘So what (the %$#@*&) makes you so happy all the time?’. Use their cues and your intuition to share what you think will best answer their question.
Positive psychology doesn’t have to get on anyone’s nerves. We’re mostly mature, well-functioning adults. Appeal to our sense of common humanity and we’ll listen.
